Banning golf could fix D.C.'s problems
by Jim Shea, The Hardford Courant

While members of Congress work on new rules to help keep themselves out of lobbyists' pockets, they are failing to address the real root of all the evil in Washington.

It's not the campaign money. It's not the pay-to-play rules. It's not the phony nonprofits. It's not the fancy meals, the gifts, the corporate jets.

It's golf.

Golf, as anyone who swings a club knows, is not a game. It is a condition. You don't play golf, you suffer from golf. And once you come down with golf, nothing else matters.

Golfers will do anything to golf. They will re-arrange their lives, lie to their employers, abandon their families, sell their shriveled little souls to lobbyists, all for a chance to chase the little white ball around the right course.

GOP-lobbyist-turned-prosecution-witness Jack Abramoff reportedly spent $70,000 on one occasion to take then-House Majority Leader Ton DeLay and his Republican posse to play the historic St. Andrews course in Scotland.

Another time, Abramoff anted up $100,000 for the opportunity to squire a different group of connected Republicans around the same links.

Make no mistake: Golf corrupts, and free golf corrupts absolutely.

At the risk of overreacting to what may be a record-breaking congressional corruption scandal, I think what needs to be done is obvious.

Laws must be enacted making it illegal for members of Congress and the White House to engage in golf while in office, as well as for two years after leaving public service.

This ban would include all forms of golf, including miniature golf, chip-and-putt golf, hitting golf balls at a driving range, taking golf lessons, watching golf on television and reading golf magazines.

It also would prohibit office holders from associating with known golfers and bar them from wearing golf pants, a stipulation necessitated by the failure of the fashion police to protect the nongolfing public from this disturbing visage.

Regardless of ideology, I think everyone can agree that a golf club in the hands of a politician is a threat to our way of life.

I don't think there is any question that if golf had been around when the Bill of Rights was drafted, it would have warranted an amendment: "Congress shall make no laws respecting an establishment of golf."

Congress has the opportunity to take golf out of government and restore a modicum of integrity to the legislative process. The failure to do so will have dire consequences.

This country can survive being run by the current triumvirate of neocons, big-business acolytes and religious extremists. Being governed by golfers is quite another matter.

Fore! warned is Fore! armed.