ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad. --aldous huxley (1894 - 1963)

my world been has flipped upside-down. a total change in perspective. i suppose it'll be better in the long-run to know what i just learned, but right now it simply hurts. alot.

for years, i've thought a large chunk of pain from my past was caused by a mixture of someone intentionally hurting me and the effects of this person's medical condition. so in effect, it was a combination of the person and god (since i believe god is ultimately in control of what medically happens to our bodies).

now someone has convinced me that the hurt may have been caused solely by the effects of the medical condition. my head knows that god isn't punishing me or simply does not care about me, but i haven't been able to convince my heart of that.

i think the toughest part of this realization is that i'll never know for sure how much of the pain was caused by the person and how much from the medical condition. hopefully i'll soon be ok with that...