i could heal it anytime i want
'cause the pleasure is not in the pain
it's in seeing all that the heart has done
and breaking it all just the same
i tried a million things to guard my heart
but i found my God breaking into it
so i don't stop it now before it starts
'cause brokenness has its benefits (and i'm)

broken again
my life is wading through the shattered past, broken glass
broken again, and i'm broken again
i'm broken
i don't speak my mind everytime i think
'cause i find my resistance is thin
my holding out, it takes me to the brink
and that's when He breaks me again
    --satellite soul, "broken again"

i listened to this cd on the way to longview from home yesterday. i could really relate to it after the week i had, but we'll see if this entry has much to do with it. :)

it's definitely a trying few days. mom had back surgery on thursday. they took some bone from her hip to replace a disc and used rods and screws in to keep it all in place. so now she has decent-sized incision on her front and back. it was really hard at times to be the one helping her out in the hospital. (my grandparents were there with me some of the time thankfully) i've had plenty of hospital stays (5 i think) and mom's always been there to help me out. this was the first time it was the other way around. i watched her struggle to come out of the anesthesia for 2 hrs and the pain on her face as she attempted to change positions in bed on her own. there were many times i held in my emotions because i knew grandma was on the verge of tears and i didn't want to see us both cry.

it's good to be back in longview, but part of me aches to be at home. the last time i saw her was in the hospital, which wasn't the greatest note to leave on. i want to be there to watch her recover and to help her out a bit. but here i am instead - in the comforts of my dorm room. without any physical pain. now i play with computers during the day...she struggles to walk. o well, such is life i guess. i'll stop beating myself up for a little and go to bed...