for a while now, i've really yearned to, well, sin in this specific way. i finally figured out why tonight. i think. i don't like this reasoning at all. i'm very ashamed and feel incredibly guilty. i hope this isn't the reason, but it's the one that makes the most sense... i yearn for this because i want to push God away. i've tried so many times to get somewhere with my relationship with God and have failed every time. not to say i haven't learned along the way, but i have never felt like i've ever gotten near. it always seems like i take one step forward and 4 steps back. well, if i push God away, i reason subconsciously, then i won't feel as bad about failing in my relationship with Him all this time. better yet, maybe He'll stop trying to pull me in. maybe it won't hurt so much then...