how do i continuously allow one person to negatively rule my thoughts? so what if he is someone who, by definition, was supposed to love me? so what if he caused me alot of pain? why do i let those memories eat at me? all of the other struggles in my life are dwarfed by this one. i'm getting really tired of it...

on sunday night, i was trying to return a call to my grandfather, but i accidently called him instead. (it had to be somewhere in God's will because i made a series of mistakes i've never made before -- too many times something didn't seem right, but i went along with it anyways...) once i realized what i had done, i froze and eventually managed to hung up. the amount of emotion and memories that came rushing was incredible. i thought i had dealt with alot of it already, but apparently not...

i promised a friend that i wouldn't let the mistakes i made and the fear of him calling me back (now that he has my number...stupid caller id) eat at me. (i'm not quite sure why i was so terrified of him calling me back...it's not like he would have me physically cornered. i could always hang up and turn off my phone. but i was terrified none the less.) i've been successful for the most part, but i haven't been able to get alot of those memories out of my head.

i wish i could just forgive him and be done with it. i thought i had made a few steps forward in the process, but hearing his voice again definitely brought back alot of anger and pain. so i am a few steps back again. probably farther back then when i began.

i want forgiveness to be an ordered checklist. i want to be able to check one thing off, be done with it, and move to the next step. i'm sick of this going forward, then backward business. i might feel like i've fully dealt with a memory, but then am hammered with the pain of that memory the next day. i want some concreteness and logic in this process. and it's annoying and frustrating the crap out of me that i can't find any. bah!