from defensive lineman to quarterback...

in the past 3 seasons of intramural football, the only position i have ever played was defensive lineman. i've always thought this was the easiest position to play for a bunch of reasons. no one notices when the d-line makes a mistake, but everyone sees when they do something good. all i tried to do before this year was to get through the offensive line to the quarterback. i don't even remember tring to read offensive plays. it was the perfect stress relief - i could push girls around (always in a civilized manner, of course ;) ) and didn't have to use my brain at all. and i could do something as a defensive lineman that i have never previously accomplished in sports - leaving the game on the field. after the game, my missed opportunities and mistakes did't glare at me like they did in other sports. what i remember is the mutterings and the frustration on the faces of the offense when we continuously penetrate the line, pushing them farther and farther up the field. i remember the satisfaction of grabbing the quarterback's flag in the backfield or reading the fake to a running back or receiver. the mistakes rarely enter my mind after i've left the field, until our game last night when i played defensive lineman...and quarterback.

i knew quarterbacking would take a totally different mindset, but i still wasn't prepared at all for the extent of this. the only good parts of the game that i remember are the ones when i was on defense and when i completed 3 or so of my many passing attempts. what will i take from this game? the hundreds of mistakes that i can recall. the incomplete passes. the miscommunication in play-calling (which i was so thankful i didn't have to do). the misread of the cornerbacks defending my receivers. the risks that blew up in my face. the missed pitches that would have resulted in a touchdown. my failure to trust the offensive line and be patient for the receivers to open up. my inability to adaquately see the whole field. the interception. and these are all magnified by the loss glaring at me.

that said, i still had a blast. now i just have to wait five days until our next game. :)

Whenever i step outside, somebody claims to see the light
It seems to me that all of us have lost our patience.
'cause everyone thinks they're right,
And nobody thinks that there just might
Be more than one road to our final destination

But i'm not ever going to know if i'm right or wrong
'cause we're all going in the same direction
And i'm not sure which way to go because all along
We've been going in the same direction

I'm tired of playing games, of looking for someone else to blame
For all the holes in answers that are clearly showing
For something to fill the space, was all of the time i spent a waste
'cause so many choices point the same way i was going.....

So why does there only have to be one correct philosophy?
I don't want to go and follow you just to end up like one of them
And why are you always telling me what you want me to believe?
I'd like to think that i can go my own way and meet you in the end.

But i'm not ever going to know..........

  --hoobastank, same direction

most of my friends have no idea how much i'm struggling right now. yet they continuously encourage me just when i need it. tonight i can think of five times that i explicitly needed some lifting up. four of those times, i'm certain they had no clue of how i was feeling, but they helped me out in just the right way each time. two hugs and two "love you zippy"'s. (the fifth time i subconsciously didn't give the friend a chance to respond.) i'm extremely lost, but i was definitely encouraged tonight. with the help of those surrounding me, this too shall pass...

for a while now, i've really yearned to, well, sin in this specific way. i finally figured out why tonight. i think. i don't like this reasoning at all. i'm very ashamed and feel incredibly guilty. i hope this isn't the reason, but it's the one that makes the most sense... i yearn for this because i want to push God away. i've tried so many times to get somewhere with my relationship with God and have failed every time. not to say i haven't learned along the way, but i have never felt like i've ever gotten near. it always seems like i take one step forward and 4 steps back. well, if i push God away, i reason subconsciously, then i won't feel as bad about failing in my relationship with Him all this time. better yet, maybe He'll stop trying to pull me in. maybe it won't hurt so much then...