about a month ago, my RA borrowed my laptop to use for homework, etc. it was no big deal because i knew she'd take good care of it and i wasn't using it anyways. i went over to her apt last week to pick it up, not because i needed it but just so she wouldn't forget about it. her roommate and i kinda looked through her stuff but couldn't find it, which was completely ok. so yesterday she got married and the first thing she said to me at the reception was "oh zippy, i'm so sorry about your laptop. i brought it here so don't go home without it!" i couldn't believe it. this is the biggest day of her life...and she was worried about returning my laptop. she even told me that as she was leaving for the church, she grabbed my computer so she wouldn't forget to give it back to me. i don't think i'll ever understand...

it was another good evening...i hung out with good friends, had some good coffee, and watched another good movie. this time it was the italian job. it was wonderful...basically like oceans 11, but they use alot of cars!! man, it makes me wanna go driving - even with my piddly 4-cylinder of an engine (the car in this link basically looks like mine, except i have strips on the side and the original engine, seats, etc). but that'll have to wait until tomorrow...

Why, why, why, why?
Shaking my fist in the dark, I'm asking
Why, why, why, why?
Why does it keep getting harder to say thanks?
   --nichole nordeman

lately these lyrics have been my theme. i had a rough week last week -- not for any particular reason...i just did. but this weekend an amazing friend of mine came to visit and we had a blast. then monday and tuesday were all downhill. i came into work on monday to learn that my boss was in an accident and was almost killed (he should've been, but "someone was obviously watching our for me" as he said...to which all i answered was, "yeah"). then i come back to our apartment only to be reminded that my grandfather had surgery...and that i forgot all about it. and lately i've had a bunch of conversations with friends about how i desparately need to forgive someone that has caused alot of pain to my family. it was recently pointed out to me that part of the reason this person is still hurting us is that maybe we're not ready for it to stop. (i hope that makes at least a little sense, since i'm obviously not telling the whole story...) to put it another way -- if God would help this person realize what he is doing and would somehow change his ways, i probably wouldn't give any glory to God. instead i'd be frustrated that this person didn't get what he deserves and that those in our community would realize that they should have been supporting an innocent family (us) instead of this person. anyways...enough of that.

so last night i decided to have fun instead of thinking about all this. i watched the movie phone booth with a friend -- a movie i've always wanted to see, but never did. then i went to the marble slab with another friend. all of this significantly helped to improved my mood. i think i need to treat myself out to this kind of fun more often. :)

"we're both leo's, so it'll work out"   --a janitor at work

my boss was congradulating this guy on his recent engagement. the guy said thanks and then began to explain how he and his fiance are both in their upper 20's and neither has been married before. he added that they're both a little uneasy about it and then reassured himself by mentioning the above quote. he was serious. he really belives that the dates of their births will help keep their marriage together. that's incredibly sad.

am i really a lefty?

yesterday i read this book, which is basically about the traits that makes us lefty's different than the other 9/10 of the human population. i've read a decent amount about this, but i was really struck this time with how un-lefty i am. excerpts:


you might expect a right-hander to be verbal, analytical, and good at math. and a left-hander to be intuitive, and mystical, with a strong visual sense. which is exactly the case. --p 166-7

i would never describe myself as mystical and am not visual at all. in learning tests i am exactly between an auditory and kinesthetic/tactile learner. my visual skills barely show up in results. i am also pretty good at math.


right-handers tend to think lineally, linking their ideas in logical order. left-handers are more apt to think holistically, skipping over the details. --p 174-5

i usually have trouble seeing the whole picture and am very detail-oriented. i am a step-by-step person and really like lists (the kind where you complete one item before moving on to the next).


right-handers are wired into the logical half of the brain, which makes them sensible, reasonable, and dull. but left-handers are wired into the artistic half of the brain, which makes them imaginative, creative, surprising, ambiguous, exasperating, stubborn, emotional, witty, obsessive, infuriating, delightful, original, but never, never dull. --p 194-5

i relate to all of these righty traits, but only a few of the lefty ones (ambiguous, stubborn, and obsessive). i have never thought of myself as imaginative or creative. i don't consider myself emotional, but thought i'd ask my roommate of 1.5 yrs straight. she said i have my emotional moments just like everyone else, but she doesn't think i'm emotional overall.


the emotional left-handed brain thinks in pictures. it understands three-dimentional space, music, tone of voice (but not words), and is highly imaginative. --p 345

my brain doesn't think in pictures - it's as simple as that. i don't ever remember seeing a picture in my head. people have asked me how i dream and i don't know how to answer that. i can never remember any colors or other images, only sounds and smells. i just somehow know what is happening.


and to top it all off, i barely do anything left-handed. i am a lefty when i write, eat, hammer, carry kids, and shoot a bow. i do all other sports right-handed. i am right-footed and right-eyed.

one section of the book talks about the lives of a whole bunch of lefties and why it's obvious by their traits that they aren't righties. i couldn't relate to many of them, but found one that matches me well:

peter benchley - the author of jaws may be the most determinedly right-handed left-hander on record. the fact is, peter benchley favors his right hand for virtually all activities -- playing tennis, throwing a ball, hammering a nail, etc. the only exception is writing, which he does left-handedly. to a neurologist this makes him left-handed. he may be right-handed at virtually everything else, but the act of writing is so difficult, so complex, so significant a skill that it far outweighs any other manifestation of handedness. if you write left-handed, you are left-handed, and that's that. --p 206


some other interesting facts i learned:

~"48% of all major league first basemen are lefthanded." --p 57

~"there are at least a handred discriminatory references to the left hand in the Bible." --p 329 (the only example given was matthew 25.41)

--"one of the more intruguing explanations for left-handedness was offered by the late dr. norman geschwind of boston. his theories suggest that handedness is determined long before birth, and the determining factor is testosterone, the male hormone." --p 388

last night i was reading blogs and was referred to an idea share site. one particular idea stood out to me:

As Judith Butler notes, the New York Times obituaries of the victims of the 9/11 attacks were deeply affecting; they were so straighforward, kind, and put human faces on the incomprehensible number of dead. Until now, we haven't seen the Americans killed in action in Iraq memorialized this way. If the Times doesn't do it, someone should. And, as Butler points out, in a just world, the Iraqi dead—military and civilian—would be given the same treatment, in the American press. If we hold Bush and Blair to their word, that we are "friends of the Iraqi people," then it makes all the more sense that we honor their victims in a way similar to our own countrymen.

i started thinking about how much we focus on how americans have been hurt or killed overseas. when a plane crashes in a foreign place, we always hear about how many americans were killed. it's as if we don't care about who else died. the 'foreigners' are just as human as the americans that died. their families and friends are mourning for them. they will be missed just as much as the americans. so why don't they seem to matter near as much to us?

i could heal it anytime i want
'cause the pleasure is not in the pain
it's in seeing all that the heart has done
and breaking it all just the same
i tried a million things to guard my heart
but i found my God breaking into it
so i don't stop it now before it starts
'cause brokenness has its benefits (and i'm)

broken again
my life is wading through the shattered past, broken glass
broken again, and i'm broken again
i'm broken
i don't speak my mind everytime i think
'cause i find my resistance is thin
my holding out, it takes me to the brink
and that's when He breaks me again
    --satellite soul, "broken again"

i listened to this cd on the way to longview from home yesterday. i could really relate to it after the week i had, but we'll see if this entry has much to do with it. :)

it's definitely a trying few days. mom had back surgery on thursday. they took some bone from her hip to replace a disc and used rods and screws in to keep it all in place. so now she has decent-sized incision on her front and back. it was really hard at times to be the one helping her out in the hospital. (my grandparents were there with me some of the time thankfully) i've had plenty of hospital stays (5 i think) and mom's always been there to help me out. this was the first time it was the other way around. i watched her struggle to come out of the anesthesia for 2 hrs and the pain on her face as she attempted to change positions in bed on her own. there were many times i held in my emotions because i knew grandma was on the verge of tears and i didn't want to see us both cry.

it's good to be back in longview, but part of me aches to be at home. the last time i saw her was in the hospital, which wasn't the greatest note to leave on. i want to be there to watch her recover and to help her out a bit. but here i am instead - in the comforts of my dorm room. without any physical pain. now i play with computers during the day...she struggles to walk. o well, such is life i guess. i'll stop beating myself up for a little and go to bed...

sometimes i honestly think i've dealt with the demons of my past. then i'm watching a movie, talking with a friend, or even listening to a sermon and the memories and emotions return - those that i thought had been forgotten.

like the other night... i was watching EDtv. when ed begins getting famous, his long-lost father comes back into his life. soon ed learns more details of what really happened between his parents. one second i was enjoying the movie, the next i had flashbacks and couldn't focus. it's not that i wonder what happened between my parents, but i definitely have questions that haven't been answered. i long for the day when i can watch a series of movies or hear a bunch of sermons and not be hounded at all by my past. i think that's possible, but i guess i don't know...

i'm curious - am i in the majority or the minority with this? can most people or only very few relate?

"We reject the false doctrine that the church could have permission to hand over the form of its message and of its order to whatever it itself might wish or to the vicissitudes of the prevailing ideological and political convictions of the day."

You are Karl Barth! You like your freedom, and are pretty stubborn against authority! You don't care much for other people's opinions either. You can come up with your own fun, and often enough you have too much fun. You are pretty popular because you let people have their way, even when you have things figured out better than them.

What theologian are you?

A creation of Henderson

this doesn't seem quite right, but i guess that's ok...

my weekend

my extended family just got back from spending 4 days in colorado. wow, was it fun!! we went on a bunch of hikes, which i had never really done before. we walked around a few lakes, climbed to see some amazing water falls, did a little rock-climbing, and even slid down part of a mountain in the snow! most of the time we were wearing shorts and t-shirts (even where there was lots of snow), but we got a little taste of the normal mountain weather with some lightening strikes and rain. we stayed at the amazingly-beautiful ymca of the rockies, just outside of estes park. they provided meals, activities (mini golf, sand volleyball courts, swimming, etc), and even a room for our family to hang out in the evenings. the 22 of us played alot of catch phrase, cards, and even musical chairs! :) we were there mainly to honor my grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary, but we also had 2 birthdays to celebrate - so we also had plenty of cake!!

while at letourneau i usually forget how much i enjoy hanging out with my family. when we get together, we always laugh a lot and have a blast with the little cousins. i'm always reminded of my love for children and how much i can't wait to have nieces and nephews of my own!!